There you are, Peter!

You know that part of the movie Hook where one of the lost boys pulls at Robin William's face until he recognizes him?

How did that become me?

I'm not saying I'm old or wrinkled... Just hear me out.

I'm a mom.  Have been for a year now.  And so my standards of acceptable grooming have changed.  Where I used to at least throw on mascara, do my hair, and put on some jeans to go to the grocery store, I have since been putting on some yoga pants and pretending I'm on my way home from the gym sans makeup.  Heck, I used to look better going to the gym than I do most days recently.  I don't seem to get around to putting on makeup every day.  I don't see the point for my daughter to see me, and then my husband for an hour or two at night.  

So, I got into this pattern.  One day it was no makeup.  But then I got ready the next day.  And then one day I didn't do my hair, either... I mean, I was rocking that messy pony for months in that grey space I call "just had a baby and can't function."  But after that, I did.  And then one week, I think I went four days without makeup.

This should have been a liberating moment - a moment where I finally looked in the mirror and said "ha!  this is what I look like!"  but instead all I saw was a grown-up woman who I didn't recognize. I deleted pictures because "that one just didn't look good of me," but then I realized that i have all pictures of JUST my daughter (she looks good always).  And then I stopped looking in the mirror because I didn't know who was staring back at me.  Those smile lines.  Those laugh lines.  Why didn't anyone tell me I wrinkle my nose that much?  Who was that middle-aged woman, and where did I go?  I didn't recognize my face, or my schedule, or even what I did when I had precious "alone" time.

Me, the confident singleton who got pedicures twice a month.  Me, the happy event planner who traveled for her work and loved being alone, but not as much as she loved being busy every other night.  Me, the woman who could spend hours at the gym (don't get me started on other things I saw in the mirror and didn't like... thanks, baby.)  Me, the woman who stared back at me in the mirror with a normal amount of makeup on, and hair that wasn't a hot mess. Who had a schedule, and people, and a life. A woman who knew where her hairdryer was.  

(good news.  the hair dryer was on my dining room table. found it.)

You can get lost being a mother.  In all the books and toys and laughter and games, you can lose what you define yourself by.  You can get lost in her schedule, and start to wonder where yours went.  I used to have a color on the family monthly calendar... now my color is used for holidays.

It was less than a month ago my husband and I went on our first date "night" post baby ("night" being relative, since it was from 2:00-6:45 pm). When we got to dinner, we sat across the table from each other and said "what do we do now?"

It will be years before I think I can take back what used to be "me."  And probably by then I'll have changed what the definition is.  But I have resolved to no longer not know what that person looks like if I see her on the street.  

This post isn't about resolving to wear makeup more often, or to not have hideous hair at all time.  

It's just a reminder to carve out a little time that's not the baby.  Carve out a little time for who I am, or who I want to be.  I'm not sure what that is yet, but here's to hoping that this next page of my adventure is something I can look back on and see myself in.

Animal House

I have had tens and tens of awesome ideas of what to blog about... and I can't believe what just compelled me to action.

DogTV.

For only $5.99 a month on DirecTV, you can get an extra channel - just for dogs who are stay-at-home-dogs and hanging out alone.  It's a new channel, so we get it free for 30 days.  I was curious, so I turned it on for a bit (the baby was napping... there was nothing on TV).  It appears to be "life of a dog" and so far is just classical music and watching a dog walk through a field.  Or a dog park.  Or watching a dog play "tug."

What has this world turned into where we are willing to spend an extra $6 a month for our dogs to get their own channel?

And the funny thing is, my friend Jake has a dog who barks any time she sees another animal on TV.  (even if it's a cartoon, or there's a "man walking a dog" in the background of a scene... she barks EVERY TIME.  Like, even at Geico commercials with the gecko.)  So, to me, this feels like it's the opposite of helpful.  UGH.  (First World Problems.)

Unrelated:

Lily and I stopped at the zoo today.  St. Louis has a terrific zoo, and it's free.  Well, it's $10 for parking, but it's free.  And I've been told where the "locals" park, so that's free, too.  It's completely out of my way, but today I was running some errands in the Missouri, and thought I would swing by with Lily for a few minutes.  And since it's free, you can spend like 30 minutes and call it a day.  Although we passed (and stopped at) many animal habitats, I'm relatively sure that Lily saw only kids, plants, fish (at the hippo encounter), and elephants.

Isn't it cool to see hippos under water?  There are also tons of fish for them to.... eat?

Apart from the butterflies (which she really loved the last couple of times at the zoo), I'm not totally sure she "gets" the entire "Zoo Experience."  Which is understandable, I mean, she isn't even one yet, so I just push her around to look at different rocks/plants/kids legs.  But today, she "got" it for about 5 minutes.

The baby elephant is darker than her aunts.  (I heard a zoo-person telling a group all about it.)

There are 10 elephants at the St. Louis zoo.  And one of them is a baby.  I held Lily and we looked at the baby elephant for about 3 minutes.  She was transfixed.  There were elephants, and they were huge, and eating their hay (and the weather was particularly amazing, so everyone was enjoying themselves).   I told her all about how "E is for Elephants with very big feet"  and every other elephant-related thing we do at home... and I think she got it.  I mean, I went to put her down, and she squooze my arm and pointed to the elephant, so we sat there for another 3-4 minutes... just looking.  I felt like it was a moment.

Also, there was a waterfall in the habitat... so... she could have just really liked looking at the waterfall.

Either way, isn't it nice when you see a baby grow up a little bit and notice new things?